Maintaining 43 in the Single Lane

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Roots and Wings

Monday, August 03, 2009

Seven Statements That Will Kill The Chance of a Second Date With Me

On the heels of my chat with SINgle Girl, I have leaped into the online dating pool. Right out the bat, sharks suffering from mid-life crisis swarmed, much to my dismay (thanks, but no thanks; my Daddy issues were resolved a long time ago).

Then there was Sloppy Joe, the self-proclaimed chef who didn't make it past the initial text/phone calls. After asking me rather inappropriate questions ("So, do you have a six-pack?"), he turned out to be a little too obsessed with the fact that I am the same size as former Destiny's Child member Kelly Rowland (I said I was her size; I never said I WAS her!).

He was immediately thrown back into the water. And blocked. Did I mention he didn't have a six-pack himself, justifying his "girth" to a job requirement that has him tasting every meal prior to it going out to patrons? That's not a job requirement; that's just being slovenly. But one of my Tweeps found me this portable Kelly for him to play with (thanks, Steph!).

Undaunted, I pressed on, wading through the murky waters of dating. Seeing a profile that sounded promising, I contacted Date #1. His profile stated he was of athletic build, which was backed up by his pictures. We exchanged e-mails for about a week, and he was all gentleman. With common interests of jazz, travel and culture, we set a meeting for yesterday -

And so I begin my list of Seven Surefire Statements That Will Kill The Chance of a Second Date With Me:

1. Know What the True Meaning of Athletic Is. By all means, post a picture that is from the last decade. Did you think I wouldn't notice that you are at least 20 pounds heavier in person than the picture in your profile? And if your build is closer to Cedric the Entertainer than it is to The Rock, sweetie, you're not athletic, you're FAT

2. I Bet People Who Wonder Why You are Single Think You're Gay:
Dude, if you are trying to be humorous, that means you are not; you're just annoying

3. Do You Have An Innie or An Outtie? That's really none of your business, seeing that you will NEVER get the chance to find out

4. Do You Use Oil of Olay? Your Complexion is So Radiant:
I will cut some slack on this statement, as it falls under a bona fide compliment (often given to me by both men and women). But not if you ask it when I am discussing the passing of my grandmother

5. Who Does Your Eyebrows? NOW who's gay?!!

Ladies, if this is ever asked by a man, run - don't walk - to Nandoism's How To Tell If Your Man Is Gay List

6. Can I Take a Picture of You to Show My Dad? I Told Him I Was Meeting You Today: CHECK, PLEASE!!!

7. Sexist Jokes: You would think that in this day and age of politically-correct intellectuals, common sense would prevail. I will never repeat the disrespectful comment he made about domestic violence victims. Being that the Say NO to Violence Campaign is a cause that I hold near and dear to my heart, this was the ultimate dealbreaker for me.

So men, take note. The ignorant and inappropriate things that fall out of your mouths will be the reason why the last you'll see of me is the glimmer of my heels running away from you.

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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Dates: Ripe For The Picking For This Single Gal?

Give me one good reason why I should get back into the dating scene.

SINgle GIRL: I don’t know that you “should”. You should if you’re interested in male companionship or a relationship with a guy. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with being single and not dating.

I have been accused of wearing my single status like a "banner" (I should mention by a very frustrated dude who had NO chance of picking the lock of my chastity belt!). Why do so many feel that once they find out you're single , you are automatically in need of being changed, or hooked up?

SINgle GIRL: I have two answers to that: 1) Boys and girls grow up and get married. That’s the way it’s supposed to work. Those are the unwritten rules. And our society has always looked unkindly to those who don’t follow the rules. Single adults represent a challenge to traditional values. 2) Married people want us to be saddled with the same responsibilities that they have. They’re threatened by our freedom.

This is my theory: do I need a man in my life? No. Do I want a man in my life? Absolutely. Therein lies the problem. Those who have tried to woo me have it all wrong; desperation is not a quality I possess. Have you experienced this?

SINgle GIRL: Just today I was writing a critique of a “dating expert” who was preaching the age-old advice that men needed to feel needed and that women needed to soften their image and seem less independent. In truth, I think there are lots of men who want strong, independent women. They may not be the majority, but they’re out there.

TWHS: Let's talk about intentions. Since I'm not looking for a husband or a "friend with benefits", what are the odds that I meet someone who is just looking for companionship like me? (Cue the choir of moans from the men)

There are men seeking what you seek. Just today I noticed one as I was scrolling through on the online dating site. He was only seeking “new friends”. They are an extreme minority, though.

TWHS: OK, let's talk about sex. When it was in my life, it was fabulous. But now that I have been celibate for three years, it's kinda like the fresh peaches I only get to savor in late summer. Although I know its rewarding results, I have yet to die because of its absence. Some might say I have extended my life without it (the sex, not the peaches...)

SINgle GIRL: I’d say that’s true for most people. As for me, I’m fine if I have to live without sex, though I know that I’m much happier with it.

TWHS: On the subject of commitment, I feel there is too much sampling and not enough seriousness nowadays. So when in Rome, do what the Romans do. I no longer look for commitment. But it did inspire me once to title a book, "Layaway is Not An Option" after a five-year relationship. I never published it. What are your thoughts on the C word?

SINgle GIRL: I think commitment is important and seek it in a relationship. If a guy will not commit (just for clarification, commitment to me means that we both make a concerted effort towards making the relationship successful – that we both identify it as a relationship worth making an effort for) within a matter of a few months then I am not going to continue seeing him.

TWHS: Is it acceptable to approach a man you are interested in?

Of course. It’s 2009.

TWHS: What are your views about online dating? Chat lines?

I’m a big fan of online dating and use it as a tool to meet new men (very successfully, I might add). I think I used a chat room once, a few years ago and found it to be a total waste of time.

TWHS: Seeing that we both have the gift of being age-defying, does the term cougar offend you? And when was the last time you had to brush off a young'un?

The term does not offend me, though its use as a term of derision does. I see nothing wrong with an older person dating a younger person. I’ve dated men who were somewhat older than me. I didn’t think it was weird or odd. We had lots in common and were attracted to one another. I don’t see how that’s different than an older woman dating a younger guy. I have younger men hit on me all of the time (last time was last week). I wasn’t interested.

TWHS: Lastly, what advice do you give to all the Single Ladies who feel they are incomplete without a boyfriend?

SINgle GIRL: Obviously that’s a loaded question...

I feel kind of sorry for women who feel they must have a man in their lives to be complete, but I also understand where that comes from. If a girl really felt that way I’d advise her to try to spend some time alone. Get to know herself better. No one can complete you, but you. Prince Charming is a lie and Tom Cruise is a short, gay troll. Learn to be happy on your own.

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Monday, January 07, 2008

Cashmere Mafia Hit (Singles) Party

It's hard out here for a single gal. So instead of crying over spilled milk this V-Day, I'm taking matters into my own hands by declaring a hit on Cupid-

That is, a Cashmere Mafia Hit (Singles) Party! I'm gathering all my single girlfriends together, asking them to come dressed to kill in oxford booties, stilettoed spats, fedoras - like these Traveler Lower Crown Fedora Packable Hats - and anything cashmere (sweaters, scarves, or gloves). The guest with the most creative outfit will win a goody bag of Mint Cashmere Cream shower gels and body mousse from Urban Chic Boutique...

For refreshments, I will serve the signature Stiletto Cocktail and shots of Red Death, serve Sicilian Caponata hors d'oeuvres and offer chocolate cigars presented in a miniature briefcase humidor (real mavens don't smoke!).

Of course, the night will end with watching the previous night's show of Cashmere Mafia on ABC...

Cupid better watch his back.

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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Interview With Author Mimi Jefferson

TWHS: First, I'd like to thank you for bringing attention to a topic that is robbing single women of their souls. What inspired you to write The Single Sister Experiment?

Jefferson: I was at dinner with a (platonic) male friend six years ago. During the course of the dinner, his cell phone was ringing off the hook with different females. After one particular call, he hung up laughing and stated, "You women have no idea what power you have. This last girl who called - who I haven't spoken to in months - would be so easy to get intimate with again. A couple of calls to her would be all it would take to get close to her."

I went home and thought; what if single women did choose to utilize the powers of their spirit instead of their desires? How they would be so much more powerful!

TWHS: Amazing. The cell phone must be the universal bullhorn for men's egos; I have been witness to the same erratic calls to a male friend's cell phone, as well. What feedback have you received from men? Do they view the book as a game blocker?

Jefferson: There have been no comments whatsoever, with the exception of the older, mature men (with daughters and responsibilities).

Now what I didn't expect was finding out there are some men who are just as tired of the game-playing and who want to get married. But women are quick to say these men don't exist.

TWHS: As a single woman who has chosen a life of abstinence, I shake my head at how many view my choice as a "phase", with certain men seeing it as a challenge to to change my mind! What advice do you give the single woman straddling the fence between being obedient to God's path and the temptations of the flesh?

Jefferson: Have your values set. That's what men do; they chase. That's the natural process. I went through the process myself, and it's not easy. I was involved in a ten-year, destructive relationship with a boyfriend. For me, I found the strength to get out of it through Jesus.

TWHS: Wow, that was like a ten-year layaway!

Jefferson: (Laughing)

TWHS: Was it an abusive relationship?

Jefferson: No, more like a trapped situation that wasn't going anywhere. He didn't treat me like the Queen I was...

Women need to think about what they're giving up. It's more than just your body; you are wasting time, and blocking the path to your true potential. And even blocking the husband that God has put in your path.

But the most important advice I could give to the single woman is read the book! All three main characters are going through the test of temptation of men.

TWHS: Was there anyone in your life during those ten years telling you that you were wasting your time?

Jefferson: No; to people on the outside, it looked perfect!

TWHS: What is your next step for the book? Do you have appearances scheduled for women's groups?

Jefferson: I am working on my second book with a main character named James, Sr. It will be the male's perspective and spin-off of The Single Sister Experiment. I really want women to know how going through this process also affects men.

BTW, the man who I had the ten-year relationship with? He is now my husband of two years, and we are three months pregnant with our first child! (And no, I never used the ultimatum tactic.) Because of the pregnancy, I will be taking it easy up until February, when I will be making some local book appearances in Houston, Texas.

TWHS: Congratulations! So this book is a true testimony and loosely based on your life?

Jefferson: It is fictional, but I think almost all women can relate to the experiences involving men.

TWHS: With the title reference to sisters, do you see where you have a mix of ethnic readers?

Jefferson: I have to state it was my publishing company's decision to feature Black women on the cover of the book, not mine. At the book signings, I do see a few other ethnicities, but not many.

TWHS: Well, let me just say I use the term sister for all women who walk the path of a prosperous, elite and definitive lifestyle. Having said that, I recommend this book to ALL single women who are tired of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. In this case, it's compromising your temple to those who are not worthy.

How would you like your book to make a difference in the lives of women?

Jefferson: I wish I could reach the teenage sector. I have been part of library presentations,and the girls present were totally turned off by the message in the book.

TWHS: Are you serious? What ages are we talking about?

Jefferson: Between 13-17 years old. It's like the influence of videos and today's culture tells them that's the only way to be. I wish I could have gotten to them when they were at the age nine...

TWHS: Well, Mimi, if there is anything I can do to help you get the message out; I see where we need to make a collective, stillettoed noise.

Jefferson: Be sure to let single women know that if they make the choice to walk the life of abstinence, they will not be alone; they can join The Single Sister Experiment Online Group, where women help one another get through this life-changing transition.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Want Versus Need: Debunking The Myth of a Dilemma

Greta Garbo was ahead of her time.

The infamous quote, I want to be alone, uttered by the silver screen siren may have been the angst of an eccentric ballerina, but today's single woman has options. Like slipping into the co-starring role of a marriage, or headfirst into executive heels - or both - based merely on her desires.

CUT! Is any relationship, casual or committed, better than none? Please; I canceled that subscription to insanity about a year-and-a-half ago. I want the companionship found within a relationship, but as a writer I also need solitude to draft my work. This request for space has been misconstrued to the point of labeling me distant. That is the farthest thing from the truth; I happen to be one who is comfortable in my oneness, whereas ex-boyfriends sought mandatory audiences whenever and wherever they could find them: from dinner parties at our place, to group outings for events (front row, of course). And while I enjoyed the vibrancy of our social life, I am that rare species of a social butterfly that loses no brilliance if not fluttering at every single event...

At the end of the day, does the single woman need a relationship to validate her worthiness, or does she want peace within her world, knowing she is completely functional in her current status? And can she have it all, if need be?

This holiday season, I challenge all single women to this task; ask for what you want. Whether it is a relationship, or that Prada handbag whose price is equivalent to one month's rent, just remember to be specific. Especially in the lights, camera, and action of the holidays, be careful what you wish for. No one wants to echo the angst of Miss Garbo.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

A Diagnosis By Any Other Name

"Would you like a chaperone?"

Odd question, seeing I'm far from being of "chaperone" age. And the fact that I was in the office of my OBGYN this past Monday, preparing to have my annual Pap smear. Seems times have changed in the safeguarding of young women.

My stats were good: blood pressure fine, my weight - get this - a steady, seven-year-consecutive 113 lbs (amidst red velvet cupcakes, mandatory bread intake and four years in rib-drenched Memphis)...

The exam was the typical, refrigerated pelvic exam, complete with a complimentary "ambush" anal exam (aren't they suppose to warn you of the invasion, in lieu of dinner and a dance?!!).

This annual exam was a far more traumatic experience back in 1993. When I was called into my doctor's office to get results of my Pap smear back then, my mother and I heard a diagnosis that was foreign to us; dysplasia. When we asked the doctor what it meant, he explained it as being the presence of abnormal cells in the cervix, which comes in three stages: mild, moderate, and severe. I was diagnosed with the severe stage. When asked what "severe" meant, his response put it all into focus-


Here's my life, in rapid succession of this announcement:

~ One request for a hysterectomy- DENIED

~ A second opinion (with second denial of a hysterectomy)

~ One painful cone biopsy, a remedial diagnosis ONE YEAR LATER, followed by the replacement and complaint letter of my OBGYN

~ One laser treatment, succeeded by normal Pap smears from that point on...

Which is why I am so upset by the angst voiced by the parents of daughters age 9 and up who have the opportunity of GARDASIL, the vaccine created to help guard against HPV, the leading cause of cervical cancer. Even fourteen years ago, my OBGYN referred to cervical cancer as an STD, but I guess society wasn't ready to digest that information. But it is what it is; sexually-active females can easily become affected by the 20 million people in the United States already infected with HPV (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimate, as of 2005). And sexual intercourse is not a prerequisite; anyone who has any kind of sexual activity involving genital contact with an infected person can get HPV.

So in this day and age, parents have far more than their daughter's first movie date or dance to worry about; but at least a chaperoned Pap smear has a better chance of a positive diagnosis than mine back in 1993.