Maintaining 43 in the Single Lane

Monday, August 03, 2009

Seven Statements That Will Kill The Chance of a Second Date With Me

On the heels of my chat with SINgle Girl, I have leaped into the online dating pool. Right out the bat, sharks suffering from mid-life crisis swarmed, much to my dismay (thanks, but no thanks; my Daddy issues were resolved a long time ago).

Then there was Sloppy Joe, the self-proclaimed chef who didn't make it past the initial text/phone calls. After asking me rather inappropriate questions ("So, do you have a six-pack?"), he turned out to be a little too obsessed with the fact that I am the same size as former Destiny's Child member Kelly Rowland (I said I was her size; I never said I WAS her!).

He was immediately thrown back into the water. And blocked. Did I mention he didn't have a six-pack himself, justifying his "girth" to a job requirement that has him tasting every meal prior to it going out to patrons? That's not a job requirement; that's just being slovenly. But one of my Tweeps found me this portable Kelly for him to play with (thanks, Steph!).

Undaunted, I pressed on, wading through the murky waters of dating. Seeing a profile that sounded promising, I contacted Date #1. His profile stated he was of athletic build, which was backed up by his pictures. We exchanged e-mails for about a week, and he was all gentleman. With common interests of jazz, travel and culture, we set a meeting for yesterday -

And so I begin my list of Seven Surefire Statements That Will Kill The Chance of a Second Date With Me:

1. Know What the True Meaning of Athletic Is. By all means, post a picture that is from the last decade. Did you think I wouldn't notice that you are at least 20 pounds heavier in person than the picture in your profile? And if your build is closer to Cedric the Entertainer than it is to The Rock, sweetie, you're not athletic, you're FAT

2. I Bet People Who Wonder Why You are Single Think You're Gay:
Dude, if you are trying to be humorous, that means you are not; you're just annoying

3. Do You Have An Innie or An Outtie? That's really none of your business, seeing that you will NEVER get the chance to find out

4. Do You Use Oil of Olay? Your Complexion is So Radiant:
I will cut some slack on this statement, as it falls under a bona fide compliment (often given to me by both men and women). But not if you ask it when I am discussing the passing of my grandmother

5. Who Does Your Eyebrows? NOW who's gay?!!

Ladies, if this is ever asked by a man, run - don't walk - to Nandoism's How To Tell If Your Man Is Gay List

6. Can I Take a Picture of You to Show My Dad? I Told Him I Was Meeting You Today: CHECK, PLEASE!!!

7. Sexist Jokes: You would think that in this day and age of politically-correct intellectuals, common sense would prevail. I will never repeat the disrespectful comment he made about domestic violence victims. Being that the Say NO to Violence Campaign is a cause that I hold near and dear to my heart, this was the ultimate dealbreaker for me.

So men, take note. The ignorant and inappropriate things that fall out of your mouths will be the reason why the last you'll see of me is the glimmer of my heels running away from you.

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